Now that it’s night time I feel wide awake. It helps that it’s finally quiet enough that I can hear my thoughts. I don't want to speak this into existence so maybe by writing it won't be as powerful/ actual/ true. Today - well lately - I am lost and I am feeling it.

And the issue lays here. Although the physical realm looks great, the body is reacting to all the changes that have occured during Twenty-ATE. I don't feel like I am the version of myself that I know I could be. To narrow this in, I am talking in terms of feeling physically motivated like everyone else. Apparently. It consumes my feed.. pilates, hyrox, ultra-ultra marathons. Which in turn is fuelling the not doing enough (LOL as I pour my heart out into MG but still, it's not enough because what about the hoodie, what about youtube, how about the part time job..) I am trapped in my physically fatigued body, causing me to do the minimum - as per my standards. 

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I am internally yelling, "run faster", which is promptly responded to by the body questioning my authority with "for what??"

"Like, for. what.? In the most polite manner, please answer truthfully - also thanks for listening." 

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There is some obvious tension between both parties. ​​

And then I dare you add a fun little weekend with friends to the calendar.

"Oh, so now you can shake ass but you can't pick up 45 lbs a couple times in a row"

...Guilty.  

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​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​So, I am having panic attacks again. She says quietly. 

Again - because it was kind of my brand in high school and a couple years in college, but it's been some time. Based on my surely bias observations, it feels like they are occurring when I am trying to do something good for myself, something I should do, like going for a run. (full pause - I know). Or just standing on the train platform as if patiently waiting caused the perfect storm.  

I have history with this so I feel like I can recognize the sensations and … listen to it, adjust, remove threat/ vulnerably. I did allow myself to cry and change out of my too tight of tight-ass active wear - which is probably one of the reasons for the crushout. It's become layered. WHo is this person?

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The growth in all of this is that I can recognize the situation, I recognize my gentleness, and I have to trust that this HAS to be just a phase. Obviously this is a transition period. Student life, again. She says quietly. However, this is all part of my next steps, so wtf? Respectfully.

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I’ll admit, I've thought about this many times, I have even called my mom about it. I do have some possible solutions. However, all of them include the magical disappearance of the panic attacks. Which I believe is out of my control. So, like, comment, subscribe to find out what happens next.